For the last month, my anxiety and depression have been overwhelming. In spite of my medication, my thoughts can be random and frantic. I am consumed. I go about my day as normally as I can but whenever I have time to think my mind returns to the darkness behind my eyes.
Will I live with Mom forever?
Why me? Why have I suffered from crippling stomach aches since I can remember?
Why did I have to be burdened with this disease [depression]?
How am I supposed to keep on enduring this pain?
Why me?
Why don’t I have a social life?
How can I have a social life when it is hard for me to get out of bed?
Why don’t I have any friends?
What happened to the friends I had?
Why haven’t I had a steady boyfriend in years?
Will I get married?
Will I have kids?
How am I going to financially support myself?
I can only escape this pain when I am asleep and I can only fall asleep with the help of Xanax. I feel trapped between the promise of a new day and the pessimism of days past. Many nights my heart aches. The pain seems fully physiological; unemotional. The heart muscles strain, the beat becomes irregular. I try to breathe slowly. I try to equally distribute the pain between each inhale and exhale. It at these times that I sometimes feel the most alone.
A therapist once encouraged me to picture an early scene in the movie The Wizard of Oz as Aunty Em’s house swirled high in the wind. He told me to picture the various items that flew by the house in the sky. A chair. A cow. A roof. Slowly they moved toward the window and then blew by. The therapist explained that is how I should deal with anxiety, that I should let the thought drift into my mind and then let it drift away. Sometimes it works. At times I wish there is a wind that will sweep me up and allow me to drift away free from burdens, anxiety and fears.
1 comment:
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