Vag Dryness, Bronchitis, Constipation Oh My!

I picked up a refill today and as I sat on the bed I glanced at the advisory pamphlet that always comes with the prescription. This time instead of throwing it away I read it.

Mom told me never to read the contents of a food item or find out how it is made if I really like it. Can't eat frozen block chili anymore - beef brains.

I will never again read the "possible side effects include" section of a pamphlet for a drug that I must take for my continued sanity.

Here are the more interesting and horrifying symptoms I found:

Yawning

Positives: Good excuse for boring staff meetings...or sex.

Him:"Why you yawning...it ain't good to you?"

Me: Uh, no,no,no it's the medicine.

Negative: Not very confidence-inspiring when you drive a friend who is scared of bridges on the Bay Bridge.

Vaginal Dryness aka Kalahari Coochie

Positives: Nada, not a damn thing, hell na, nothing!

 

Negatives: Ummmm...

Gas

Positives:

You can blow up a whole room with stink and scare away a robber when he comes to rob you (answer courtesy of Julian Munson, age 12).

Negatives:

You can blow up a whole room with stink and scare away the police when they come to get a robber.

Tremors

Positives: I got nothing.

 

Negatives: Will have great difficulty pushing any button on my iPhone, I like to pluck my own eyebrows.

 

Coordination Problems

Positives: I might finally understand Kramer and maybe gain some insight as to why he was funny on Seinfeld.

 

Negatives: I’ve always wanted to try yoga.

 

Constipation Issues

Positives: Good, quality, silent reading time.

 

Negatives: Hemorrhoids and making this face

 

Sensitivity to the Sun

Positives: See negatives.

 

Negatives: I will never be able to leave this junky, musty, germ infested, God-forsaken place I live in with my brother and Julian.

Weight loss OR weight gain

How can it be either or ???!!!??? Is it gain or loss? Do I need to pull out the bloomers or bikini-cut panties? Skinny jeans or sweats? Spanx? I’m already crazy I don’t want to get pissed off up in this bitch. I need answers.

Bronchitis

Positives: I got nothing.

 

Negatives: Other then the obvious I got nothing.

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